DRIVE BY DINING
The 2005 Roundup

By Dog Davis 

Frequent readers know Drive-By Dining seriously critiques the ever-changing trends of the fast food industry, and awards all those cute little cartoon tongues, cars, scales, and exclamation points. This year “Team Drive-By” sampled dozens of new products, and collectively gained 15 pounds.

Here are the highlights and lowlights from 2005 and some predictions for ‘aught-six.

TASTE

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Highlight – In recent years, Jack In The Box got on base with sourdough and panini bread, but it wasn’t until this year’s introduction of ciabatta that they knocked one out of the park. Quite simply, better bread makes better sandwiches. Other chains seem to have noticed – witness Arby’s new Reuben on marble rye.

Lowlight – Pastrami is good, hot dogs are good, but the Wienerschnitzel Pastrami Dog was not. Its large pickle wedge overwhelmed the taste, and the pretzel bun was either too dry or too chewy. Despite this, the dog’s been successful enough to spawn ‘Schnitzel pastrami burgers and sandwiches. Go figure.

Prediction – Corporate kitchens work feverishly concocting new breeds of bread. Can you say pumpernickel pita?

PORTABILITY

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Highlight – Catering to the car culture, companies created weird new food designed for single-hand operation. Taco Bell gave us the Crunchwrap Supreme, with a half-dozen ingredients folded into a toasted tortilla.

Lowlight – Burger King introduced Chicken Fries - processed chick-sticks for those who felt McDonald’s McNuggets were simply too bulky.

Prediction – Taco Bell will introduce something called Crunchwrap Supreme Extreme that’s so car-friendly, we will be encouraged to drive, eat, talk on the cell phone, and apply mascara simultaneously. Lawsuits will follow.

DIET WATCH

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Highlight – For those forgoing French fries, Wendy’s started offering lighter choices in their combo meals, while McDonald’s began pushing Happy Meals with “apple dippers.”

Lowlight – Big breakfast sandwiches became the bane of dieters. Burger King introduced the Egg‘Normous, but it wasn’t ‘normous enough, so they added ham, making it Meat‘Normous.

Prediction – Someone will finally offer carrot and celery sticks, but they will be battered and deep-fried.

HYPE-O-METER

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Highlight – The King, The Master of the Flame, and the ever-reliable Jack all made funny and memorable commercials this year, but the bizarro award goes to Carl’s Jr., for the overly enthusiastic cowboy shaking and spanking a cow to get a milkshake. If this dude were any happier, authorities would intervene.

Lowlight – Carl’s also gets the award for the biggest dud of the year with its thankfully short-lived campaign featuring an ill-tempered fetus threatening to “bust out” of his womb. Fortunately, the featured burger was modified, and the fetus was replaced by Paris Hilton washing a Bentley.

Prediction – Marketers will approach other young, hard-partying female celebrities to hawk their products, but the women will prove to be too painfully skinny to believably sell fast food.